I Am What I Think
I’m feeling part-foolish, part-shattered as I make a Manchester-India roundtrip in three days, almost like a re-run of the Manchester-Bali roundtrip I made in 52 hours last year. What the hell is wrong with me? What is the pattern here? Am I this flakey person who can’t stick anything out?
It’s all in my head. Literally. Every decision that goes south has it’s source in my head, a highly developed place where thoughts whirling around on what will be the next best step and then doing the math. From the time of booking to departure, I have tunnel vision and shrug off signs such as a dull ache in my belly, telling visions, and sleeplessness, for I have an aim in sight. At times, this short-sightedness is good, I’m focussed and ready to undertake the task at hand, but decisions of the heart aren’t such moments. During the times I’m focussing on the outcome rather than the now, I’m locked in contradiction over what I should do and what I must do, so I’m split. As Krishnamurthi would say, I’m imposing an idea and not observing my present state.
Whereas the Bali return was for family reasons, this time I simply didn’t have the strength, courage, or resistance to continue with the journey. Involving a 3.5hour delay on a grounded flight, two missed flights, a trip to Dubai, a plane hit by lightening twice, and then my luggage being lost, I sat down and said: “I can’t, this isn’t for me.” All those tell tale feelings flooded my body, and I had no desire to stay, I must go home.
It’s funny, slightly ironic, that the thing that brings me the greatest awareness of my feelings, yoga, is the same thing that leads me to trot and backfoot across the world. But yoga is most definitely not immune to the calculating mind, and whether it’s squeezing in daily practice or deciding that I can, therefore, I should do that retreat, I should wrap myself in a yoga bubble. But when it’s come down to it the last two times, I’ve said no.
I like to think that I could be this globe-trotting yoga nomad, but I need to reflect and realise what’s in my head and what it is that I’m actually experiencing – the thoughts are nothing but chatter based on the past, whereas what I’m embodying is the now. Speaking of embodying, my friend and the wonderful founder of Embodyism, a transformational coaching service, Daniel Donachie wrote to me “Feelings are the whisper of the soul” – yes, whisperings from a place that knows no past or future but only the rich intelligence of the now.
Yoga is my life, I can’t imagine a day which doesn’t involve it in someway. But now I need to pause, reflect, and trust where my soul wants to take me on this yoga/life path without needing to know in advance.
Let go of the need to know and simply observe.
Rambling over. For now.